Ain't That A Kick In The Ed
by BarthVader
Summary: A barter attempt between a Great Khan and a Follower of the Apocalypse gets derailed by first, second and third parties. [Part of the Untitled EEnE/FNV Crossover, cover art by wr3h.]


Different districts of pre-War Vegas have developed in different directions.

The Strip has been rebuilt by a mysterious entrepreneur, his army of robots, and a bunch of uplifted tribals. Some other places, lacking such support but consisting of people willing and able to carve out their future, grew in the vicinity - and some of those managed to thrive, or at least not die mutilated by mutated monstrosities.

However, large chunks of the former city looked like you'd expect an atomic wasteland to look like. Two centuries after the war, no building - heck, no wall! - remained in one piece, and what was left standing was filed down by the conditions to look like a set of jagged teeth of sorts. It was devoid of life and eerily quiet, with only an occasional traveller very rarely passing through the area on his way to less dilapidated places.

Leaning against a large enough chunk of wall, a man in a Followers of the Apocalypse lab coat glanced at his watch. Twenty past midnight. He was already risking a lot by arranging the meeting, and the accursed raider had the audacity to be late. Unfortunately, the supplies at camp were constantly lacking, meaning unconventional methods of acquisition were required. What a horrible, horrible-

"Evening, sweetie pie."

He jumped away from a woman in an unzipped Great Khan vest - with nothing underneath it, to his chagrin - and short shorts. "Greetings, Marie. I see you continue your tradition of dressing as impractically as possible."

"Said a guy stalking the night in a white lab coat."

In response, he opened the coat a bit to reveal leather armor underneath. "At least I'm wearing protection."

"Your women must appreciate it."

Edd groaned. "Let's move on. Have you fulfilled your side of the agreement?"

"Of course." She took off her backpack and placed it on the ground. "Med-X, Fixer and Stimpaks, two bundles of eleven of each. Why eleven, by the way?"

"Because I have very little confidence in you." He reached into his lab coat and pulled out a small wooden case, labelled 'chemistry kit'. "One chem from each bundle will be tested to check to confirm their quality."

"Oh, so _I'm _the untrustworthy one?" Marie reacted with indignation. "How should I know you're not trying to screw me over for the greater good or some other crap?" She poked his chest with her finger. "Did _you _bring the goods, huh?"

"Naturally." He hid the chemistry kit and pulled out a cobbled-together laser pistol from the front pocket, and pointed at a slot on the side. "It can accept standard energy cells, which you insert into the magazine here," he pressed the latch, causing the weapon to break open, "or electron charge packs and microfusion cells, placed in this chamber." He closed it. "Twenty shots from a fully charged SEC, thirty from MFC, ten seconds of continuous laser beam from EPC."

"Oh-kay." She took the gun from his hand. "You've never sold arms before, have ya?"

"No, I have not." he replied, averting her gaze. "Unfortunately our camp is perpetually low on supplies and I'm forced to stoop so low to keep it operating."

"Yeah, it shows. Here's a tip:" She pulled out an energy cell and shoved it in the SEC slot, then pointed it towards the Follower. "When selling a gun, make sure the buyer can't shoot you with it."

Edd was surprisingly unfazed by this development. "Oh, so _I'm _the untrustworthy one." he repeated, mockingly.

"Yeah, nothing personal, Oven Mitt." She smiled. "The chems will just come in handy when my sisters and I ditch the Khans."

"So, you're betraying me to betray your raider mates." The disapproval in Edd's voice was palpable. "Marie Khanker, patron saint of backstabbers."

"They're allying with Ceasar's Frickin' Legion." she replied. "I hate NCR as much as the next guy, but they're better than a bunch of backwards technophobe woman-hating slavers."

"And their _cough _policy on addictive chems might make your operations more troublesome."

She poked him in the face with the business end of the pistol. "For a guy held at laserpoint, you're surprisingly chatty."

"I have accepted such situations as the sad reality of the Mojave." He shrugged. "Do I get to say something before you abscond with your loot?"

"Sure, why not?"

"As a rule, energy weapon ammo has a positive end and a negative one." he said, watching her expression. "When loading a laser pistol, make sure you're not inserting the energy cell backwards."

As realization flashed on the raider's face, she decided to just drop the weapon in her hand and unholster her .44 revolver. To her chagrin, the Follower used the moment to grab his own weapon - a laser pistol, not unlike the one he tried to sell her, but the barrel shroud was emitting a faint crimson glow.

"It's a standoff then." Marie remarked.

Then, a suppressed gun was fired. The raider dropped her weapon and clutched her bleeding hand. A stout man in the Kings' jacket stepped out of the shadow, holding a 12.7 mm pistol. "No, it isn't."

"Bastard!" the woman hissed at him.

"Takes one to know one, Khan." Eddy spat. "You alright, Sockhead?"

"You could say so-_behind you!_"

He was fast enough to do a one-eighty and register another Great Khan in the corner of his eye, but not fast enough to avoid a 12 gauge to the tibia. "Gah!" he knelt.

"I don't care if she had it coming." Lee stepped out of cover, cocking her hunting shotgun. "_No one shoots my sister and gets away with it._" She poked the startled King with the barrel. "Understood?"

Then, someone tapped her shoulder. She turned her head and a fist connected with her face. The blow was strong enough to knock her off her feet, and she made a wise decision to not retaliate. Somewhere, a boxing bell dinged three times.

"Bad Lee." Ed muttered. Unlike everyone else, he wasn't wearing any faction's uniform, just his usual green jacket and jeans.

"Nice hook, Lumpy, but we're doing a New Vegas crossover." Eddy remarked. "You could've dressed the part."

"A crossover?!" He glanced at his palm, excited. "Can I get a cool power fist thingie?"

"Save your caps, you don't need it." Lee muttered, staring at the sky.

A prolonged period of inaction from everyone involved followed. The big guy scratched his head. "What, May won't try and attack me?"

"Heck no, I give up." the blonde Khan raised from behind a distant piece of debris, her scoped trail carbine held above her head in surrender. "One, we're outmatched, two, you're cute, three, I didn't graduate from the Dick Dastardly School of Villainy," she stepped forward and glared at Marie, "unlike some sisters I have."

"Oh, piss off." she remarked. "If you just helped me out-"

"-we would get our ass kicked by the big guy." Lee finished, sitting up and setting her broken nose.

"May could've picked him off from a distance!"

Without missing a beat, the blonde put her carbine's barrel to Ed's head. "Can I show her?"

"Show her wha-"

She pulled the trigger. A bang could be heard, but the man didn't even flinch. She moved the barrel away and two bullets fell on the ground with a quiet clink.

"Oh, that." he said. "Ouch."

"Well, dammit." Marie muttered. "What now?"

The Follower, exasperated by the whole situation, pulled out a syringe filled with red translucent liquid from her backpack on the ground, then injected it into her.

"Ow! Prick."

The bleeding wound on the Khan's wrist disappeared almost instantly. "So, that's one test passed. A few more, and we can end this farce and go our separate ways."

"Toss me a Stimpak while you're at it." Eddy asked. With some hesitation, Edd did so, and watched his friend clumsily stab himself in the leg. It healed rapidly, with only the blood stain and the hole in the jeans proving that there was a wound to begin with.

"Splendid." the Follower exclaimed. "Hopefully the rest of the night will spare me the surpri-"

Admittedly, the King didn't notice the energy weapon peeking from behind the rubble. He just knew that the moment someone tempts fate like his friend had done just then, something stupid and or unexpected happens. The hunch was immediately proven correct by a laser beam going through the spot where Edd's head was a second earlier, before Eddy pushed him out of the way.

"Hey!" Everyone sans Ed fired two or three shots in that direction. The assailant fired blindly from behind cover, hitting May in the chest and Edd in the left arm. "Take cover and regroup!" the redhead commanded, and the six promptly backed over behind a chunk of wall large enough to hide them all. Marie, in what was her smartest move of the night, grabbed the chem backpack from the ground before hiding.

"You never told me you have a third sister." Eddy asked under his breath, loading the bullets into his pistol's mag. The blue-haired woman handed stimpaks to the wounded. "Seriously though, you know who could that be?"

"Nope." Lee shrugged, sticking shells in the shotgun tube. "And they probably won't introduce themselves."

"The Van Graffs only paid for the Follower!" the assassin shouted in their direction. "If he gives up, the rest get to live!"

"Of course." Edd muttered. "They must have found out about the transaction. They are not keen on people infringing on their monopoly on energy weapons." He sighed. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, I do not want to endanger you-"

"You're joking, aren't you?" Lee said, irritated. "You're a decent shot with a laser pistol, and you have three raiders, one King with a hand cannon, and a guy hitting like a super mutant on your side. Dare to give up with those odds and I'll kill you myself."

"She has a point, Sockhead." Eddy loaded the magazine back in his gun. "We just need a plan of attack."

"Maybe I can just scare him off." the redhead muttered. "You're outnumbered and outgunned, asshole!" she screamed back at the attacker. "_You _step down, and we won't turn you into a fucking colander!"

In response, a thrown plasma grenade landed near them. Ed grabbed it, ripped it in half, disarming it, and tossed the remains far away from the group. "He doesn't seem intiminidated."

"Any better ideas?" Marie asked. "Does anyone have a Stealth Boy or something?"

The King checked his inventory. "Just one. I can't do much with-" And then, he paused for a fraction of a second, as a lightbulb went off above his head. "I have a plan," he glanced at Lee. "but it requires you and your sisters to be a distraction."

The three Khans glanced at each other, to check their reactions. Noticing no opposition, May went "I mean, we've got no better idea, we might as well listen to yours."

"Alright. First, we need a POV change..."

* * *

The mercenary watched the piece of rubble through his night scope. There was no movement on the other side, but the plasma grenade didn't explode either. He didn't have another one. They couldn't have gotten out without him noticing, could they?

He was about to move and change his angle, when three people promptly moved out of cover. The lights of the Strip illuminated the surroundings just enough for him to spot they were the Khan soldiers - well, two Khan soldiers and one Khan-themed stripper, at least - that were arguing with the Follower and his bodyguards. Trying to pick off one of them would give his position away to another two, so he backed away into the shadow and waited for the situation to develop.

After a minute or so of the three scanning the surroundings, a fourth person has darted out of cover. The assassin took a good look through the scope and noticed the symbol of the Followers of the Apocalypse on his upper sleeve. He wasn't bothering to hide, just running as fast and far away as possible. Of course, he thought to himself, the Khans were supposed to distract him and create an opening for him to flee. The mercenary glanced at the Stealth Boy on his left wrist. He could take one shot, kill him, and then cloak and evade the Khans. He held his breath, took aim, and pulled the trigger.

A red line between his gun and the Follower's head appeared for a split second. His body has fell down and tumbled a bit before stopping, and the Khans turned towards the shooter. This was his exit cue. He stepped back into cover and pressed the button on his wrist and noticed it becoming nearly translucent. And then, a series of 'thwip!' sounds. The device on his wrist (and also the wrist itself) ended up with a couple of holes in them, rendering them useless. He hissed in pain, flickering back into view.

"Ah, Stealth Boy." the King has blinked into existence in front of him, smoking pistol in his outstretched hand. "Useful, but pretty fragile." he smiled, with that confident smile of someone whose plan just came together. The three Khans were closing in, weapons drawn and aimed at the assassin. There was no way out, so he decided to do the one thing that gave him a slim chance of survival.

"I surrender!" He dropped the laser rifle and raised his hands.

"Ask me if I care!" Lee shouted, shoving a shotgun in his face.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Eddy pushed the barrel away, stepping in between the Khans and the assassin. "He'll be more useful as a messenger."

"Six bullets in his skull will be a pretty effective message." Marie pointedly cocked her revolver.

"As a would-be target, may I interject?" The merc realized that the Follower was standing behind the crowd, wearing leather armor as opposed to his lab coat. "Personally, I'm willing to live and let live, provided he gets thoroughly disarmed before we release him."

"Dibs on the rifle!" May called.

The merc was too confused to object to her searching his pockets for energy cells. "If you're alive," he pointed at Edd, "then who did I shot?"

Eddy grinned. "That's a good question. Ed!" he shouted. "Could you come over here?!"

The "corpse" got up and approached the group, dusting himself off. Only then the captive realized that he was a bit taller and had broader shoulders than the Follower he was supposed to shoot. And - what was the most unsettling about him - he didn't seem to be hurt at all.

"Lumpy, how many times have you been shot in the head tonight?" the King asked.

He counted on his fingers before replying "Twice, Eddy!"

"And did it hurt?"

"A bit, but I'll live!" he exclaimed with a dopey grin.

"And," the smile on the King's face was replaced with a more stern expression, "what are you going to do to anyone who'll try to hurt your friends in the future?"

The big guy raised a fist. "I will punch them!"

"And what will you do with people paying others to hurt your friends?"

"I will punch them _harder._" His fist twitched and hit a nearby chunk of wall, which promptly crumbled to dust.

"Pass this on to Van Graffs." Eddy commanded.

"You know what, do it yourselves." The merc began to inch away. "I'm just gonna go back to California, and hopefully never see you or them again. They're always looking for Brahmin herders..."

"One last question, if I might:" Edd piped in. "How did the Van Graffs find out about the transaction?"

"The blue-haired chick came to the store this evening and bought some energy cells." he replied, pointing at Marie. "When asked if she wants a weapon, she said she's gonna buy it from someone else. Gloria told me to follow her and kill the seller. Okay, bye!"

He ran off into the night. The middle Khan could feel five pairs of eyes gazing at her in frustration.

"Marie..." Lee growled.

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!"


End file.
